Perfectionism Is Ruining My Hobbies

While searching—yet again—for the best books on writing, I spiraled into self-reflection and asked myself some hard questions. Why can’t I just write? Why can’t I just play chess? Why can’t I do anything without overthinking it?

Ask my writing group, and they’ll probably say I’ve been a critical asshole lately. Someone in the group said it best: “Honestly, just write more, man.” Man, if only it were that simple. Turns out I have a little something called perfectionism—yes, in the clinical sense.

Lately, I’ve noticed something unsettling beneath my struggles. What once fueled my growth behind the scenes has now become my biggest roadblock. Perfectionism used to push me forward, but now it’s keeping me from even starting.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation¹ . While not a diagnosis on its own, it can be used, in conjunction with other symptoms and traits, to diagnose Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder² .

Let’s be clear about one thing up front: there should be no value judgment placed on perfectionism. Perfectionism is not inherently good nor bad. Adaptive perfectionism, a type of healthy perfectionism, advances you toward your goals and can help people feel fulfilled and happy. Maladaptive perfectionism is when things start to spiral out of control, causing “severe stress and anxiety”³ . Basically, perfectionism can be your biggest blessing or your biggest curse⁴ .

I’m no psychologist, but I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. I procrastinate because I don’t feel ready. I over-optimize because I think there’s a “correct” way to do everything. I consume more information than I create. And the worst part? I feel ashamed about all of it. I catch myself spending more time reading about how to write than actually writing—more time planning than doing. It’s holding me back and ruining my hobbies.

How Maladaptive Perfectionism is Holding Me Back

I’m a serial hobbyist, but somehow I’ve never made meaningful progress in any of them. Anyone who knows me well probably doesn’t know what I like to do. Anyone who knows me intimately knows I like too many things. This is probably because I’ve tried everything but mastered nothing—a classic symptom of perfectionism gone awry.

My maladaptive perfectionism manifests in several ways:

Procrastination: I don’t start projects until I feel “ready,” which means having absorbed every bit of knowledge available. The irony? I’m never ready enough. By the time I’ve read the tenth article on “how to write effectively,” I’ve convinced myself I need to read ten more, or that “writing is just not my thing”.

Complete Avoidance: When perfectionism really weighs me down, I burn everything to the ground. You know that Zettelkasten I’ve worked so hard to fill? Yeah, just trash the entire thing. All of the Tarot cards I bought? Throw ‘em out. The PC I built? Sell it!

The Knowledge Shield: I obsessively gather information as a defense mechanism. If I optimize enough, maybe no one will question my authority or, worse, expose me as a fraud. It’s like preparing for a trial where I’m defending my right to even attempt the activity. It’s exhausting.

The Shame Spiral: Perhaps most destructive is the shame I feel about all of the above. I know these behaviors are irrational, yet I can’t seem to break free from them. I feel…. less than. Invalid.

My Perfectionism Portfolio

My perfectionism doesn’t discriminate—it infects everything I attempt:

Reading: Instead of enjoying books, I became obsessed with reading “correctly.” I bought Mortimer Adler’s “How to Read a Book”, convinced I needed a systematic approach to “learn perfectly”. It’s no wonder I don’t read much.

Chess: When I wanted to improve at chess, I would refine and over-optimize my training plan. What percentage of time should I spend on openings? What percentage on tactics? Wait, this Grandmaster says don’t practice openings. All of this nonsense pulled me away from chess.

Civilization: Even in video games, my perfectionism rears its head. I’ve restarted more Civ 6 games than I can count. If my starting position isn’t optimal, or if I make a single sub-optimal decision in the early game, I’m consumed by the urge to start over. God forbid I enjoy a game that isn’t being played “correctly.”

Writing: Nowhere is my perfectionism more paralyzing than in writing. What’s the optimal blog length? Should I use Heading 2 or Heading 3 in my outlines? Do I take this Zettelkasten note, or that one? Do I even like writing, or am I scared?

So, What Am I Doing About It?

My therapist said something simple but profound: “Corey, the stakes are really low here.” They certainly feel high—but she’s right. None of my hobbies are life-or-death. I don’t need to make them bigger than they are.

So, I’m setting rules for myself. If I catch myself mid-grocery run wondering, “What does Reddit say makes good writing?”, I know I’m falling into a dangerous pattern. Most importantly, I cannot actually entertain those compulsions. When those thoughts intrude, I notice them, sit with them, and move on.

I also need to stop avoiding criticism. Chess tournaments mean post-game analysis. Writing here means people will have opinions–whether I like it or not.

But most of all? I need to have fun. If I can’t even enjoy my own damn hobbies, then what’s the point?

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1. See https://dictionary.apa.org/perfectionism for the full definition. ↩︎

2. https://www.merckmanuals.com/professional/psychiatric-disorders/personality-disorders/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-ocpd – the DSM-5 makes multiple mentions of “perfection”, “perfect”, and “perfectionism” as part of the diagnosis. ↩︎

3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202309/what-is-maladaptive-perfectionism – on Adaptive vs Maladaptive Perfectionism. ↩︎

4. https://hbr.org/2018/12/the-pros-and-cons-of-perfectionism-according-to-research – this article discusses some of the research that has gone into perfectionism. It highlights how perfectionists tend to perform better in the workplace while simultaneously impacting their mental health. ↩︎